Dinosaur extinction: Meteor, or Chlamydia?

I am a product of progressive sex education. I know how to make condoms and rubber gloves into dental dams. I know which flavours of lube taste okay and which taste really friggin’ weird. I know I’m supposed to get tested for STDs periodically – you brush your teeth between meals, you get tested between sexual partners.

I’m a smart, capable college student. Safer sex sounds like a pretty okay thing, so sure, I’ll go get tested before I start gettin’ it on with my ladylove. I didn’t get tested before messing around with my previous partner, but it was pretty easy to tell Sex Ed to shove it, because being both of the female persuasion, my partner and I were pretty low-risk. But I decided to do things right this time! Sex Ed will be so proud.

First step: Call Mom. (It’s okay, she went to Lewis & Clark too, she’s a chiller.) “Hey Mom, I wanna get my lady parts checked out before I start sexing my girlfriend. Insurance covers that, yes?” No, of course not. I had my benevolently-titled Annual Women’s Wellness Exam in January, so I’m not supposed to need another one for several more months. I can’t see my regular speculum-wielding OBGYN without it cutting into my own summer earnings, and that’s uncool. Mom’s advice? “Call the campus health center.”

So I called Nancy Kalvelage in the Lewis & Clark Health Center. Nancy, incidentally, knew me when I was a tiny fetus down with dancing to Obo Addy’s African Drumming class. Sweet little Nancy (who doesn’t seem to remember fetus-me at all, given her mispronunciation of my name) informed me that her services are free but the actual labwork costs $108, and that’s not including an HIV test. As a rule, mandatory textbooks are about the only thing I will drop that much cash on in one go. I am an unemployed college student – see articles on LC Work Study for details.

So I called Multnomah County Health Department. Little known fact: MCHD is fifteen kinds of awesome. Fees work on a rolling basis, meaning if you say “I’m a student and I’m broke, here’s a dime,” they’ll still test you. (Thanks, government subsidies!) When I called, the phone answerer set me up with an appointment for the very next afternoon. They mixed up my first and last name, but I’ll overlook it. Hyphens are confusing. Total cost for getting tested for gonorrhea, Chlamydia, syphilis, and HIV: 20 bucks, because I’m under 24, and therefore “high risk.” (Never mind that I have zero symptoms and have never had sex with a man.) Other cool features of MCHD’s STD testing clinic: you can get anonymous testing or give a pseudonym; they don’t ask for health insurance information; they’re nonjudgmental, meaning they don’t give a shit if you’re a sex worker or a junkie or gay; and se habla español. As a bonus, they are about four blocks from Pioneer Square, which I can attest is a totally runable distance should you happen to exit the clinic at the same time the Raz is chugging past.

Summary: If you want to get tested for STDs, don’t bother with the on-campus health center. Head straight on over to Multnomah County Health Department. They will hook you up, son. For cheap.